I wanted you


Before we even had our elective gender determination ultrasound, I already knew that we would be having another girl. How did I know this? I just had a feeling! Two weeks after finding out that we were pregnant (even without knowing I had a missed period), I bought a beautiful pearlized iron crib with matching pale pink crib bedding to Huntley’s. Two weeks before actually finding out the gender, I bought matching pale pink baskets for the the already planned out nursery for our number two. And the day that the ultrasound technician confirmed my husband’s ability to read the potty shot image “I’ve seen that shot, it’s a girl,” said Tanner, I had the silliest-happiest grin on my face, whilst my husband with the look disappointment tried to put a smile on his nonetheless. The same similar look of disappointment beamed from multiple family members and friends faces as we we announced our exciting news. Most of them had guessed that I was having a boy and almost all of them wanted to be right about it. Growing up with deep rooted Chinese cultural and traditional family expectations, I’ve always known that boys were favored and even considered essential. My own family is proof of that! My parents stopped having children after my little brother was born. Had my older sister been a boy, they might have felt their family was complete, but she wasn’t. And nor was I. Finding out that I was girl, had to be one of the biggest disappointments for my parents, grandparents, and whoever else felt that it was essential to have a boy in each family. Don’t get me wrong though, my parents give me so much love and spoil me rotten even though I’m not the boy they originally wanted. I knew that if baby number two were to be a girl, I would not be sad. I would not allow myself to be disappointed. I would not cry. I would be all the opposites of disappointed. I would smile with excitement. I would proudly tell all my family and friends that we were in fact having a girl. And that I wanted her. I wanted this girl so bad. And so I did. Luckily, I had my husband driving as we were closing in on my family’s luncheon meeting spot the day we told my parents. I got nervous… I knew my mom and dad were already hoping to find out about their first grandson. I knew that I would be disappointing them when I announced our exciting news of a baby girl, another granddaughter. And as Tanner drew closer to the restaurant parking lot, I couldn’t hold them back. I couldn’t hold back the tears. Not tears of disappointment. But tears for the thought of disappointing my parents… At that very moment, I started getting angry. I was angry at myself for allowing these tears to fall. I was so angry at the fact that I felt the way I felt, because deep down I was/am so happy about having another girl. In the end I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t tell my parents. Tanner took the initiative and broke the news. There was a lot of “you’ll get it next time,” “next time you can try this and that,” but in the end, it was out there. I’m so glad it’s over. As for what everyone else thinks, I could care less. Because in the end I wanted this girl. I wanted you. And that’s all that matters.

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